The truth comes out.......

Everywhere I go, everything I do, Anyone I see, I'm asked the same question........."how are you doing?"
Normally that daunting question would be absolutely fine if it wasn't asked with a sympathetic look on the majority of people's faces, or even if the majority of people asking gave two shits.
My answer has been the same to everyone no matter where I am or how I'm feeling I smile and say:
"Everything is good; I'm good; school's good; Joel's good."
So because admitting it to yourself is the first step, I'm going to ask myself this question and answer (for the first time in almost a year) completely truthfully.

How am I?

I am sad, lonely, hurt, beaten, bruised, furious on top of being just mad, annoyed, helpless, devastated, sick to my stomach, and overall just tired of everything.

Why do I feel like this?

a)my brother is being charged with manslaughter, and like having cancer it feels like we are in remission only for it to come back and bite us in the ass twice as bad as the first blow. (pardon my metaphor as this was the only thing I could come up with at the time)

b)I feel as though I cannot be in school right now because 1)I don't know what I truly want to do yet, 2) my heart just isnt' there, 3) I am only there to please my parents. But I am STILL there(barely at this point) because another disappointment to this family would just make it crumble to pieces.

c)I disowned one of my best friends this year because she was too addicted to drugs and I didn't know who she was anymore so after 4 years of trying to help her I finally gave up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. To give up on a best friend........that is heartbreaking.

d)My boyfriend of 3&1/2 years kicked me out and broke up with me for no reason, only to take me back a week later, and for me to break up with him 2 months later because he was depressed and miserable in our relationship.

e) My ex threatened suicide for 2 months until finally realizing it was only making me resent him. In the mean time I stopped going to school (this semester I believe I've been to maybe 3 classes total, dropped 2 courses, and am prepared to almost fail my last one of the semester) and called in sick to work for nearly a month, slept on my friend's couch and partied to make myself feel better.

f) I don't get along with my parents, which is why I moved out 4 years ago only to be thrown back into this house full of chaos when it is more hectic than ever.

g)I finally realized that my best friend since I was 3 is no longer the person she once was. She has grown up to be an even better and more amazing person, but I'm just not there to watch it or be there for it, so unfortunately our amazing connection is fading day by day.

h)I went through a phase where I didn't know who I was anymore, I thought I figured it out, but I was wrong....I'm still lost.....


I have no solutions for myself as to how to fix any of this because I just feel so broken at times that I have no energy to even try. Today was just one of those days, and though this seems like a petty blog, tomorrow I hope I will wake up and be able to suppress the majority of what I feel to just get through the day with a smile.