Everywhere I go, everything I do, Anyone I see, I'm asked the same question........."how are you doing?"
Normally that daunting question would be absolutely fine if it wasn't asked with a sympathetic look on the majority of people's faces, or even if the majority of people asking gave two shits.
My answer has been the same to everyone no matter where I am or how I'm feeling I smile and say:
"Everything is good; I'm good; school's good; Joel's good."
So because admitting it to yourself is the first step, I'm going to ask myself this question and answer (for the first time in almost a year) completely truthfully.
How am I?
I am sad, lonely, hurt, beaten, bruised, furious on top of being just mad, annoyed, helpless, devastated, sick to my stomach, and overall just tired of everything.
Why do I feel like this?
a)my brother is being charged with manslaughter, and like having cancer it feels like we are in remission only for it to come back and bite us in the ass twice as bad as the first blow. (pardon my metaphor as this was the only thing I could come up with at the time)
b)I feel as though I cannot be in school right now because 1)I don't know what I truly want to do yet, 2) my heart just isnt' there, 3) I am only there to please my parents. But I am STILL there(barely at this point) because another disappointment to this family would just make it crumble to pieces.
c)I disowned one of my best friends this year because she was too addicted to drugs and I didn't know who she was anymore so after 4 years of trying to help her I finally gave up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. To give up on a best friend........that is heartbreaking.
d)My boyfriend of 3&1/2 years kicked me out and broke up with me for no reason, only to take me back a week later, and for me to break up with him 2 months later because he was depressed and miserable in our relationship.
e) My ex threatened suicide for 2 months until finally realizing it was only making me resent him. In the mean time I stopped going to school (this semester I believe I've been to maybe 3 classes total, dropped 2 courses, and am prepared to almost fail my last one of the semester) and called in sick to work for nearly a month, slept on my friend's couch and partied to make myself feel better.
f) I don't get along with my parents, which is why I moved out 4 years ago only to be thrown back into this house full of chaos when it is more hectic than ever.
g)I finally realized that my best friend since I was 3 is no longer the person she once was. She has grown up to be an even better and more amazing person, but I'm just not there to watch it or be there for it, so unfortunately our amazing connection is fading day by day.
h)I went through a phase where I didn't know who I was anymore, I thought I figured it out, but I was wrong....I'm still lost.....
I have no solutions for myself as to how to fix any of this because I just feel so broken at times that I have no energy to even try. Today was just one of those days, and though this seems like a petty blog, tomorrow I hope I will wake up and be able to suppress the majority of what I feel to just get through the day with a smile.
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2 comments:
Sweet Lindsey.
This was probably a very hard post for you to write, but Lindsey I think it is a very important post.
This is a growing-up post in many ways. A very hard one to do but an even more important one than a hard one.
We are connecting, that is it. What day is good for you? Maybe I can come get you during the day and you can come here.
Here is where I am going to start.
1. I love you so much and I think you are brave and beautiful and fierce.
a) Never fear of using the cancer metaphor to me. Because that must be exactly how you feel. I am devastated to hear that news. And as you know I hate all those motherfuckers.
b & part of e) You need to drop out Lindsey. If you drop the classes (when you decide to go back when you are in a better space) you will not have to constantly try to bring up your grade point average. Even getting a C is a killer to try to bring back up. It is better to drop the classes if you know the marks are shit. Go see a counsellor and ask what they think you should do. You don't need to tell them specifics but you do need to get those classes off your record if you can.
You cannot hold your family up. You are not the glue and you are not responsible. I'm sure they would understand how it is.
c) In someways Lindsey you did not give up on her. She gave up on herself. I know that if and when she trys to get straight you will be there for her but until that time, you cannot be. You, once again, have done nothing wrong. I fucking hate drugs.
d and e) You need air and you need to be able to breathe from that relationship. He needs to see a psychologist and stop holding the suicide gun to your head.
e) You have to be careful with partying. You cannot drown your sorrows, all that does is create an addiction in you. You remember when you wrote your last post about partying and you were already sick of it and the people then. Its like we feel if we just wind ourselves up like tops we will spin and spin and spin without getting dizzy. Won't happen.
f) That must be ver difficult especially when I am sure so much of their focus is on Joel.
g) That too must be difficult. Especially when part of you feels that her life is getting better and you feel like yours is in the toilet. It is extremely hard to keep up long distance relationships. But people do it all the time. You can too.
h) We are all lost to a certain extent, but I can tell just by you writing this post that you are on your way to be found.
I love you. Let me know when we can hook up. I hope you don't mind me breaking down your post. After all I am assuming that you are writing it for me and you.
Love Renee
Lindsey, do you want me to delete your message because if someone presses on your name it will take them directly to your blog.
You have a wonderful blog, but I don't know if you want to share it with others.
Let me know asap.
Love Renee
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