Everywhere I go, everything I do, Anyone I see, I'm asked the same question........."how are you doing?"
Normally that daunting question would be absolutely fine if it wasn't asked with a sympathetic look on the majority of people's faces, or even if the majority of people asking gave two shits.
My answer has been the same to everyone no matter where I am or how I'm feeling I smile and say:
"Everything is good; I'm good; school's good; Joel's good."
So because admitting it to yourself is the first step, I'm going to ask myself this question and answer (for the first time in almost a year) completely truthfully.
How am I?
I am sad, lonely, hurt, beaten, bruised, furious on top of being just mad, annoyed, helpless, devastated, sick to my stomach, and overall just tired of everything.
Why do I feel like this?
a)my brother is being charged with manslaughter, and like having cancer it feels like we are in remission only for it to come back and bite us in the ass twice as bad as the first blow. (pardon my metaphor as this was the only thing I could come up with at the time)
b)I feel as though I cannot be in school right now because 1)I don't know what I truly want to do yet, 2) my heart just isnt' there, 3) I am only there to please my parents. But I am STILL there(barely at this point) because another disappointment to this family would just make it crumble to pieces.
c)I disowned one of my best friends this year because she was too addicted to drugs and I didn't know who she was anymore so after 4 years of trying to help her I finally gave up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. To give up on a best friend........that is heartbreaking.
d)My boyfriend of 3&1/2 years kicked me out and broke up with me for no reason, only to take me back a week later, and for me to break up with him 2 months later because he was depressed and miserable in our relationship.
e) My ex threatened suicide for 2 months until finally realizing it was only making me resent him. In the mean time I stopped going to school (this semester I believe I've been to maybe 3 classes total, dropped 2 courses, and am prepared to almost fail my last one of the semester) and called in sick to work for nearly a month, slept on my friend's couch and partied to make myself feel better.
f) I don't get along with my parents, which is why I moved out 4 years ago only to be thrown back into this house full of chaos when it is more hectic than ever.
g)I finally realized that my best friend since I was 3 is no longer the person she once was. She has grown up to be an even better and more amazing person, but I'm just not there to watch it or be there for it, so unfortunately our amazing connection is fading day by day.
h)I went through a phase where I didn't know who I was anymore, I thought I figured it out, but I was wrong....I'm still lost.....
I have no solutions for myself as to how to fix any of this because I just feel so broken at times that I have no energy to even try. Today was just one of those days, and though this seems like a petty blog, tomorrow I hope I will wake up and be able to suppress the majority of what I feel to just get through the day with a smile.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Last weekend a few girlfriends and I took one of their mothers to the bar for her birthday as that was what she wanted us to do for her. Seen as how all of us hate the bars we chose a bar that was apparently a little classier than the usuals, but plans changed last minute and I was told we were going to a different bar instead. To my astonishment the second choice bar was one I had avoided for a year with very good reason. I assume this had slipped my friends mind when plans changed. But I refused to mention anything because it was her moms birthday and I didn't want to be the party pooper. The second we stepped into the bar I felt weak and my face turned a pale white, I got goosebumps and I must have rubbed up against my friend because she apologized immediately for us going there and said we could leave, but I refused. I think secretly a part of me had wanted to walk through that building so that everything I had pictured over the past year could finally be viewed from where it all happened. Although the bar has been completely renovated and is a brand new establishment, anyone who had stepped foot in the bar that occupied that space previously could picture everything as it was perfectly. Unfortunately I was no stranger to that bar when I was underage, so everything looked the same to me.
After putting our coats in coat check, which conveniently happens to be in the basement where everything took place, we made our way upstairs to the dancefloor. My mind couldn't have been farther away and it was obvious to all that were with us. I often made my way to the washroom by myself as I didn't want company on my ventures. Again, this was conveniently located in the basement. I found myself just standing and watching the people and traffic coming through that area of the bar, picturing everything I knew in the exact place it had all happened. I stood in the exact spot someone was stabbed and died. I looked at the floor where there were remnants of bolts that once held down a metal bar, the metal bar that had my brothers finger prints on placing him in the area of the stabbing. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at where my brother had run to get his friend, and I stared at all of the people that occupied the space this horrific incident took place. Had I been drunk I probably would have started crying and possibly vomitting on the spot. Being as sober as I was, I was completely numb, compelled with deep sadness. As much as everything had changed, absolutely everything was the same. Same crowd, same security, same establishment. We left shortly after because my friend noticed I couldn't really be there anymore.
Other factors that make me hate the bar(these are things that only happened in that one night):
*first 10 minutes being there a man is seizuring on the ground, security doesn't know how to handle it, thinks this man is just drunk so they pick him up and literally chuck his convulsing body into the snow outside down a flight of stairs on the patio. An ambulance had to come get him.....eventually.
*the disgusting piggish men approach our group of girls and start trying to grind up against my friend, she shows her engagement ring, he says "what's that supposed to mean?" I say, Fuck off. This conversation goes on for a while before he gets the point which is more than annoying when you're out with your girls trying to have fun.
*more than half of the bathroom stalls are covered in vomit, and I literally mean COVERED. You can't even walk on the floor without almost slipping or ruining your shoes.
*Sticky drinks getting spilt on you as you try to walk past people.
*the bouncers ever so nicely kicking people out, by that I mean almost kicking the shit out of them while the cops stand right there and watch with smiles on their faces.
*I warned a very intoxicated man to stop running his mouth to the bouncers as they will seriously hurt him. He approaches me and calls me a bitch, luckily for me the cops thought it was funny and figured they'd scare him and take him to the drunk tank for that one.
*As we sit at a red light a few blocks past the bar after leaving, my friend's mom say's "I don't know why you hate staying at the bars until the end, that's when all the fun happens" before anyone can say anything the truck right next to us gets SMOKED by a car going at least 100km/h. I assume the guy in the truck and the girl in the car were both drunk as the truck driver took off with his back end dragging, and the girl in the car proceeded to drive her car almost hitting us.
I seriously give credit to those of you who can have fun at bars and ignore all of these amazingly traumatizing events. You all have guts for putting yourselves in that position every weekend. Bravo.
After putting our coats in coat check, which conveniently happens to be in the basement where everything took place, we made our way upstairs to the dancefloor. My mind couldn't have been farther away and it was obvious to all that were with us. I often made my way to the washroom by myself as I didn't want company on my ventures. Again, this was conveniently located in the basement. I found myself just standing and watching the people and traffic coming through that area of the bar, picturing everything I knew in the exact place it had all happened. I stood in the exact spot someone was stabbed and died. I looked at the floor where there were remnants of bolts that once held down a metal bar, the metal bar that had my brothers finger prints on placing him in the area of the stabbing. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at where my brother had run to get his friend, and I stared at all of the people that occupied the space this horrific incident took place. Had I been drunk I probably would have started crying and possibly vomitting on the spot. Being as sober as I was, I was completely numb, compelled with deep sadness. As much as everything had changed, absolutely everything was the same. Same crowd, same security, same establishment. We left shortly after because my friend noticed I couldn't really be there anymore.
Other factors that make me hate the bar(these are things that only happened in that one night):
*first 10 minutes being there a man is seizuring on the ground, security doesn't know how to handle it, thinks this man is just drunk so they pick him up and literally chuck his convulsing body into the snow outside down a flight of stairs on the patio. An ambulance had to come get him.....eventually.
*the disgusting piggish men approach our group of girls and start trying to grind up against my friend, she shows her engagement ring, he says "what's that supposed to mean?" I say, Fuck off. This conversation goes on for a while before he gets the point which is more than annoying when you're out with your girls trying to have fun.
*more than half of the bathroom stalls are covered in vomit, and I literally mean COVERED. You can't even walk on the floor without almost slipping or ruining your shoes.
*Sticky drinks getting spilt on you as you try to walk past people.
*the bouncers ever so nicely kicking people out, by that I mean almost kicking the shit out of them while the cops stand right there and watch with smiles on their faces.
*I warned a very intoxicated man to stop running his mouth to the bouncers as they will seriously hurt him. He approaches me and calls me a bitch, luckily for me the cops thought it was funny and figured they'd scare him and take him to the drunk tank for that one.
*As we sit at a red light a few blocks past the bar after leaving, my friend's mom say's "I don't know why you hate staying at the bars until the end, that's when all the fun happens" before anyone can say anything the truck right next to us gets SMOKED by a car going at least 100km/h. I assume the guy in the truck and the girl in the car were both drunk as the truck driver took off with his back end dragging, and the girl in the car proceeded to drive her car almost hitting us.
I seriously give credit to those of you who can have fun at bars and ignore all of these amazingly traumatizing events. You all have guts for putting yourselves in that position every weekend. Bravo.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Take this and shove it............STILL!!
It's been 8 months since I last vented about you,
8 months since I tried to forget this nightmare.
It took you 7 months to turn yourself in,
and 2 months for you to be released.
Worse than seeing an ex boyfriend who broke your heart,
I saw you today.
I thought it would be easier by now, I thought I would say what I wanted.
I froze.
To be somewhere so simple as a tanning salon,
to turn around after hearing your name,
and to see you standing there living your life as normal as can be
made me want to vomit.
I would hope had you noticed me sitting there waiting,
you would not have been talking about how you partied last weekend,
how you were going out with a buddy tonight,
and how you've been really good the last little while.
I think about the lives that are ruined because of you, and your ways,
the life that has been taken from someone with help from you,
the fact you can live your life like any other day prior to this whole situation,
and I think about how you don't have a heart, and how you don't deserve to be a free man.
I had waited for this day for a long time,
and thinking about it I was sure I knew what I was going to say,
I practiced it for 8 months afterall,
Yet today, at the very sight of you, all of that disappeared,
and a whole other rage took over.
I was speechless for the first time.
If only I could have said all I wanted to,
because I know the frozen look on my face did not do my rage justice when you looked up.
When you realized it was me,
when you shot your head down so fast and hard that I'm sure you pulled a muscle.
I wish you would have snapped your neck.
After 8 months, I still fucking hate you,
and I still want you to take this and shove it!
8 months since I tried to forget this nightmare.
It took you 7 months to turn yourself in,
and 2 months for you to be released.
Worse than seeing an ex boyfriend who broke your heart,
I saw you today.
I thought it would be easier by now, I thought I would say what I wanted.
I froze.
To be somewhere so simple as a tanning salon,
to turn around after hearing your name,
and to see you standing there living your life as normal as can be
made me want to vomit.
I would hope had you noticed me sitting there waiting,
you would not have been talking about how you partied last weekend,
how you were going out with a buddy tonight,
and how you've been really good the last little while.
I think about the lives that are ruined because of you, and your ways,
the life that has been taken from someone with help from you,
the fact you can live your life like any other day prior to this whole situation,
and I think about how you don't have a heart, and how you don't deserve to be a free man.
I had waited for this day for a long time,
and thinking about it I was sure I knew what I was going to say,
I practiced it for 8 months afterall,
Yet today, at the very sight of you, all of that disappeared,
and a whole other rage took over.
I was speechless for the first time.
If only I could have said all I wanted to,
because I know the frozen look on my face did not do my rage justice when you looked up.
When you realized it was me,
when you shot your head down so fast and hard that I'm sure you pulled a muscle.
I wish you would have snapped your neck.
After 8 months, I still fucking hate you,
and I still want you to take this and shove it!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sorry is just a word...
I sat there tonight staring at you so blankly,
confused at why we were having this talk.
I knew I had been in that place before as it seemed so familiar.
So much the same except you weren't there.
I've done this before, and I know how it goes.
We sit and cry, apologize for everything that went wrong.
Wishing we could go back and change the things that got us here.
Convince ourselves that it was no one's fault, and continuously say "sorry".
Sorry is just a word.......it doesn't make it easier.
We built this amazing life together in our minds.
But we let so many things tear it down.
It feels like this is the millionth time I've tried to let you go.
Maybe it is. Maybe it will always come back to you.
This was all my choice. This is what I need.
I need to be me, only me, I need to find me.
I hate that I've caused you so much pain.
I hate that I've caused myself so much pain.
I hate that I think the way I do.
I wish it was as easy as just being with you.
I can't cry anymore. I won't cry anymore.
I've done this all before and never wanted to do it again.
I can't keep replaying everything in my head. It gets me no where.
I wanted this. I needed this.
I will always love you, I hope you will always love me.
I understand if you want nothing to do with me.
I'm not going to say goodbye to you, because I don't want this to be goodbye.
I always want you to be part of my life.
Maybe you'll be the greater part of my life one day.
That day just isn't today.
confused at why we were having this talk.
I knew I had been in that place before as it seemed so familiar.
So much the same except you weren't there.
I've done this before, and I know how it goes.
We sit and cry, apologize for everything that went wrong.
Wishing we could go back and change the things that got us here.
Convince ourselves that it was no one's fault, and continuously say "sorry".
Sorry is just a word.......it doesn't make it easier.
We built this amazing life together in our minds.
But we let so many things tear it down.
It feels like this is the millionth time I've tried to let you go.
Maybe it is. Maybe it will always come back to you.
This was all my choice. This is what I need.
I need to be me, only me, I need to find me.
I hate that I've caused you so much pain.
I hate that I've caused myself so much pain.
I hate that I think the way I do.
I wish it was as easy as just being with you.
I can't cry anymore. I won't cry anymore.
I've done this all before and never wanted to do it again.
I can't keep replaying everything in my head. It gets me no where.
I wanted this. I needed this.
I will always love you, I hope you will always love me.
I understand if you want nothing to do with me.
I'm not going to say goodbye to you, because I don't want this to be goodbye.
I always want you to be part of my life.
Maybe you'll be the greater part of my life one day.
That day just isn't today.
Friday, September 5, 2008
If you love something, let it go.......
I know you dont' quite get why this had to be done.
But when you are living your life for someone else you're not actually living.
To hear you say I am the only reason you are still alive is a scary thing.
I had been ignoring all of this for a long time, and look where it got us.
When we split last time we should have kept it that way.
Instead we tried to pretend everything was alright when really it was unravelling right before our eyes.
I'm sorry if you feel like I am abandoning you when you need me most, sometimes I feel that way, but I am still right here.
I know its not the same, and I can't apologize enough for that.
You have to think positive, and remember you will be a better person in the end.
You'll be yourself again.
And if we never become what we always dreamed of together, just know I will always love you,
and I cannot wait to meet the new person you become.
But when you are living your life for someone else you're not actually living.
To hear you say I am the only reason you are still alive is a scary thing.
I had been ignoring all of this for a long time, and look where it got us.
When we split last time we should have kept it that way.
Instead we tried to pretend everything was alright when really it was unravelling right before our eyes.
I'm sorry if you feel like I am abandoning you when you need me most, sometimes I feel that way, but I am still right here.
I know its not the same, and I can't apologize enough for that.
You have to think positive, and remember you will be a better person in the end.
You'll be yourself again.
And if we never become what we always dreamed of together, just know I will always love you,
and I cannot wait to meet the new person you become.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Better In Time-Leona Lewis
It'll be the longest summer without you,
I don't know where to turn to,
See somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through,
Go in, come in, thought I heard a knock,
Who's there? No one, thinking that I deserved it,
Now I realized that I really didn't know,
You didn't notice, you mean everything,
Quickly I'll learn how to love again,
All I know is, I'ma be okay.
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
How can I turn on the t.v,
without something there to remind me,
Is it all that easy,
To just put aside all your feelings?
If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let, hurt my feelings,
But thats the path I believe in,
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice, you mean everything,
Quickly I'll learn to love again,
All I know is I'ma be okay.
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
Since there's no more you and me,
It's time I let you go so I can be free,
And live my life how it should be,
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you,
yes I will,
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
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