Everywhere I go, everything I do, Anyone I see, I'm asked the same question........."how are you doing?"
Normally that daunting question would be absolutely fine if it wasn't asked with a sympathetic look on the majority of people's faces, or even if the majority of people asking gave two shits.
My answer has been the same to everyone no matter where I am or how I'm feeling I smile and say:
"Everything is good; I'm good; school's good; Joel's good."
So because admitting it to yourself is the first step, I'm going to ask myself this question and answer (for the first time in almost a year) completely truthfully.
How am I?
I am sad, lonely, hurt, beaten, bruised, furious on top of being just mad, annoyed, helpless, devastated, sick to my stomach, and overall just tired of everything.
Why do I feel like this?
a)my brother is being charged with manslaughter, and like having cancer it feels like we are in remission only for it to come back and bite us in the ass twice as bad as the first blow. (pardon my metaphor as this was the only thing I could come up with at the time)
b)I feel as though I cannot be in school right now because 1)I don't know what I truly want to do yet, 2) my heart just isnt' there, 3) I am only there to please my parents. But I am STILL there(barely at this point) because another disappointment to this family would just make it crumble to pieces.
c)I disowned one of my best friends this year because she was too addicted to drugs and I didn't know who she was anymore so after 4 years of trying to help her I finally gave up. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. To give up on a best friend........that is heartbreaking.
d)My boyfriend of 3&1/2 years kicked me out and broke up with me for no reason, only to take me back a week later, and for me to break up with him 2 months later because he was depressed and miserable in our relationship.
e) My ex threatened suicide for 2 months until finally realizing it was only making me resent him. In the mean time I stopped going to school (this semester I believe I've been to maybe 3 classes total, dropped 2 courses, and am prepared to almost fail my last one of the semester) and called in sick to work for nearly a month, slept on my friend's couch and partied to make myself feel better.
f) I don't get along with my parents, which is why I moved out 4 years ago only to be thrown back into this house full of chaos when it is more hectic than ever.
g)I finally realized that my best friend since I was 3 is no longer the person she once was. She has grown up to be an even better and more amazing person, but I'm just not there to watch it or be there for it, so unfortunately our amazing connection is fading day by day.
h)I went through a phase where I didn't know who I was anymore, I thought I figured it out, but I was wrong....I'm still lost.....
I have no solutions for myself as to how to fix any of this because I just feel so broken at times that I have no energy to even try. Today was just one of those days, and though this seems like a petty blog, tomorrow I hope I will wake up and be able to suppress the majority of what I feel to just get through the day with a smile.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Last weekend a few girlfriends and I took one of their mothers to the bar for her birthday as that was what she wanted us to do for her. Seen as how all of us hate the bars we chose a bar that was apparently a little classier than the usuals, but plans changed last minute and I was told we were going to a different bar instead. To my astonishment the second choice bar was one I had avoided for a year with very good reason. I assume this had slipped my friends mind when plans changed. But I refused to mention anything because it was her moms birthday and I didn't want to be the party pooper. The second we stepped into the bar I felt weak and my face turned a pale white, I got goosebumps and I must have rubbed up against my friend because she apologized immediately for us going there and said we could leave, but I refused. I think secretly a part of me had wanted to walk through that building so that everything I had pictured over the past year could finally be viewed from where it all happened. Although the bar has been completely renovated and is a brand new establishment, anyone who had stepped foot in the bar that occupied that space previously could picture everything as it was perfectly. Unfortunately I was no stranger to that bar when I was underage, so everything looked the same to me.
After putting our coats in coat check, which conveniently happens to be in the basement where everything took place, we made our way upstairs to the dancefloor. My mind couldn't have been farther away and it was obvious to all that were with us. I often made my way to the washroom by myself as I didn't want company on my ventures. Again, this was conveniently located in the basement. I found myself just standing and watching the people and traffic coming through that area of the bar, picturing everything I knew in the exact place it had all happened. I stood in the exact spot someone was stabbed and died. I looked at the floor where there were remnants of bolts that once held down a metal bar, the metal bar that had my brothers finger prints on placing him in the area of the stabbing. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at where my brother had run to get his friend, and I stared at all of the people that occupied the space this horrific incident took place. Had I been drunk I probably would have started crying and possibly vomitting on the spot. Being as sober as I was, I was completely numb, compelled with deep sadness. As much as everything had changed, absolutely everything was the same. Same crowd, same security, same establishment. We left shortly after because my friend noticed I couldn't really be there anymore.
Other factors that make me hate the bar(these are things that only happened in that one night):
*first 10 minutes being there a man is seizuring on the ground, security doesn't know how to handle it, thinks this man is just drunk so they pick him up and literally chuck his convulsing body into the snow outside down a flight of stairs on the patio. An ambulance had to come get him.....eventually.
*the disgusting piggish men approach our group of girls and start trying to grind up against my friend, she shows her engagement ring, he says "what's that supposed to mean?" I say, Fuck off. This conversation goes on for a while before he gets the point which is more than annoying when you're out with your girls trying to have fun.
*more than half of the bathroom stalls are covered in vomit, and I literally mean COVERED. You can't even walk on the floor without almost slipping or ruining your shoes.
*Sticky drinks getting spilt on you as you try to walk past people.
*the bouncers ever so nicely kicking people out, by that I mean almost kicking the shit out of them while the cops stand right there and watch with smiles on their faces.
*I warned a very intoxicated man to stop running his mouth to the bouncers as they will seriously hurt him. He approaches me and calls me a bitch, luckily for me the cops thought it was funny and figured they'd scare him and take him to the drunk tank for that one.
*As we sit at a red light a few blocks past the bar after leaving, my friend's mom say's "I don't know why you hate staying at the bars until the end, that's when all the fun happens" before anyone can say anything the truck right next to us gets SMOKED by a car going at least 100km/h. I assume the guy in the truck and the girl in the car were both drunk as the truck driver took off with his back end dragging, and the girl in the car proceeded to drive her car almost hitting us.
I seriously give credit to those of you who can have fun at bars and ignore all of these amazingly traumatizing events. You all have guts for putting yourselves in that position every weekend. Bravo.
After putting our coats in coat check, which conveniently happens to be in the basement where everything took place, we made our way upstairs to the dancefloor. My mind couldn't have been farther away and it was obvious to all that were with us. I often made my way to the washroom by myself as I didn't want company on my ventures. Again, this was conveniently located in the basement. I found myself just standing and watching the people and traffic coming through that area of the bar, picturing everything I knew in the exact place it had all happened. I stood in the exact spot someone was stabbed and died. I looked at the floor where there were remnants of bolts that once held down a metal bar, the metal bar that had my brothers finger prints on placing him in the area of the stabbing. I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at where my brother had run to get his friend, and I stared at all of the people that occupied the space this horrific incident took place. Had I been drunk I probably would have started crying and possibly vomitting on the spot. Being as sober as I was, I was completely numb, compelled with deep sadness. As much as everything had changed, absolutely everything was the same. Same crowd, same security, same establishment. We left shortly after because my friend noticed I couldn't really be there anymore.
Other factors that make me hate the bar(these are things that only happened in that one night):
*first 10 minutes being there a man is seizuring on the ground, security doesn't know how to handle it, thinks this man is just drunk so they pick him up and literally chuck his convulsing body into the snow outside down a flight of stairs on the patio. An ambulance had to come get him.....eventually.
*the disgusting piggish men approach our group of girls and start trying to grind up against my friend, she shows her engagement ring, he says "what's that supposed to mean?" I say, Fuck off. This conversation goes on for a while before he gets the point which is more than annoying when you're out with your girls trying to have fun.
*more than half of the bathroom stalls are covered in vomit, and I literally mean COVERED. You can't even walk on the floor without almost slipping or ruining your shoes.
*Sticky drinks getting spilt on you as you try to walk past people.
*the bouncers ever so nicely kicking people out, by that I mean almost kicking the shit out of them while the cops stand right there and watch with smiles on their faces.
*I warned a very intoxicated man to stop running his mouth to the bouncers as they will seriously hurt him. He approaches me and calls me a bitch, luckily for me the cops thought it was funny and figured they'd scare him and take him to the drunk tank for that one.
*As we sit at a red light a few blocks past the bar after leaving, my friend's mom say's "I don't know why you hate staying at the bars until the end, that's when all the fun happens" before anyone can say anything the truck right next to us gets SMOKED by a car going at least 100km/h. I assume the guy in the truck and the girl in the car were both drunk as the truck driver took off with his back end dragging, and the girl in the car proceeded to drive her car almost hitting us.
I seriously give credit to those of you who can have fun at bars and ignore all of these amazingly traumatizing events. You all have guts for putting yourselves in that position every weekend. Bravo.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Take this and shove it............STILL!!
It's been 8 months since I last vented about you,
8 months since I tried to forget this nightmare.
It took you 7 months to turn yourself in,
and 2 months for you to be released.
Worse than seeing an ex boyfriend who broke your heart,
I saw you today.
I thought it would be easier by now, I thought I would say what I wanted.
I froze.
To be somewhere so simple as a tanning salon,
to turn around after hearing your name,
and to see you standing there living your life as normal as can be
made me want to vomit.
I would hope had you noticed me sitting there waiting,
you would not have been talking about how you partied last weekend,
how you were going out with a buddy tonight,
and how you've been really good the last little while.
I think about the lives that are ruined because of you, and your ways,
the life that has been taken from someone with help from you,
the fact you can live your life like any other day prior to this whole situation,
and I think about how you don't have a heart, and how you don't deserve to be a free man.
I had waited for this day for a long time,
and thinking about it I was sure I knew what I was going to say,
I practiced it for 8 months afterall,
Yet today, at the very sight of you, all of that disappeared,
and a whole other rage took over.
I was speechless for the first time.
If only I could have said all I wanted to,
because I know the frozen look on my face did not do my rage justice when you looked up.
When you realized it was me,
when you shot your head down so fast and hard that I'm sure you pulled a muscle.
I wish you would have snapped your neck.
After 8 months, I still fucking hate you,
and I still want you to take this and shove it!
8 months since I tried to forget this nightmare.
It took you 7 months to turn yourself in,
and 2 months for you to be released.
Worse than seeing an ex boyfriend who broke your heart,
I saw you today.
I thought it would be easier by now, I thought I would say what I wanted.
I froze.
To be somewhere so simple as a tanning salon,
to turn around after hearing your name,
and to see you standing there living your life as normal as can be
made me want to vomit.
I would hope had you noticed me sitting there waiting,
you would not have been talking about how you partied last weekend,
how you were going out with a buddy tonight,
and how you've been really good the last little while.
I think about the lives that are ruined because of you, and your ways,
the life that has been taken from someone with help from you,
the fact you can live your life like any other day prior to this whole situation,
and I think about how you don't have a heart, and how you don't deserve to be a free man.
I had waited for this day for a long time,
and thinking about it I was sure I knew what I was going to say,
I practiced it for 8 months afterall,
Yet today, at the very sight of you, all of that disappeared,
and a whole other rage took over.
I was speechless for the first time.
If only I could have said all I wanted to,
because I know the frozen look on my face did not do my rage justice when you looked up.
When you realized it was me,
when you shot your head down so fast and hard that I'm sure you pulled a muscle.
I wish you would have snapped your neck.
After 8 months, I still fucking hate you,
and I still want you to take this and shove it!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sorry is just a word...
I sat there tonight staring at you so blankly,
confused at why we were having this talk.
I knew I had been in that place before as it seemed so familiar.
So much the same except you weren't there.
I've done this before, and I know how it goes.
We sit and cry, apologize for everything that went wrong.
Wishing we could go back and change the things that got us here.
Convince ourselves that it was no one's fault, and continuously say "sorry".
Sorry is just a word.......it doesn't make it easier.
We built this amazing life together in our minds.
But we let so many things tear it down.
It feels like this is the millionth time I've tried to let you go.
Maybe it is. Maybe it will always come back to you.
This was all my choice. This is what I need.
I need to be me, only me, I need to find me.
I hate that I've caused you so much pain.
I hate that I've caused myself so much pain.
I hate that I think the way I do.
I wish it was as easy as just being with you.
I can't cry anymore. I won't cry anymore.
I've done this all before and never wanted to do it again.
I can't keep replaying everything in my head. It gets me no where.
I wanted this. I needed this.
I will always love you, I hope you will always love me.
I understand if you want nothing to do with me.
I'm not going to say goodbye to you, because I don't want this to be goodbye.
I always want you to be part of my life.
Maybe you'll be the greater part of my life one day.
That day just isn't today.
confused at why we were having this talk.
I knew I had been in that place before as it seemed so familiar.
So much the same except you weren't there.
I've done this before, and I know how it goes.
We sit and cry, apologize for everything that went wrong.
Wishing we could go back and change the things that got us here.
Convince ourselves that it was no one's fault, and continuously say "sorry".
Sorry is just a word.......it doesn't make it easier.
We built this amazing life together in our minds.
But we let so many things tear it down.
It feels like this is the millionth time I've tried to let you go.
Maybe it is. Maybe it will always come back to you.
This was all my choice. This is what I need.
I need to be me, only me, I need to find me.
I hate that I've caused you so much pain.
I hate that I've caused myself so much pain.
I hate that I think the way I do.
I wish it was as easy as just being with you.
I can't cry anymore. I won't cry anymore.
I've done this all before and never wanted to do it again.
I can't keep replaying everything in my head. It gets me no where.
I wanted this. I needed this.
I will always love you, I hope you will always love me.
I understand if you want nothing to do with me.
I'm not going to say goodbye to you, because I don't want this to be goodbye.
I always want you to be part of my life.
Maybe you'll be the greater part of my life one day.
That day just isn't today.
Friday, September 5, 2008
If you love something, let it go.......
I know you dont' quite get why this had to be done.
But when you are living your life for someone else you're not actually living.
To hear you say I am the only reason you are still alive is a scary thing.
I had been ignoring all of this for a long time, and look where it got us.
When we split last time we should have kept it that way.
Instead we tried to pretend everything was alright when really it was unravelling right before our eyes.
I'm sorry if you feel like I am abandoning you when you need me most, sometimes I feel that way, but I am still right here.
I know its not the same, and I can't apologize enough for that.
You have to think positive, and remember you will be a better person in the end.
You'll be yourself again.
And if we never become what we always dreamed of together, just know I will always love you,
and I cannot wait to meet the new person you become.
But when you are living your life for someone else you're not actually living.
To hear you say I am the only reason you are still alive is a scary thing.
I had been ignoring all of this for a long time, and look where it got us.
When we split last time we should have kept it that way.
Instead we tried to pretend everything was alright when really it was unravelling right before our eyes.
I'm sorry if you feel like I am abandoning you when you need me most, sometimes I feel that way, but I am still right here.
I know its not the same, and I can't apologize enough for that.
You have to think positive, and remember you will be a better person in the end.
You'll be yourself again.
And if we never become what we always dreamed of together, just know I will always love you,
and I cannot wait to meet the new person you become.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Better In Time-Leona Lewis
It'll be the longest summer without you,
I don't know where to turn to,
See somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through,
Go in, come in, thought I heard a knock,
Who's there? No one, thinking that I deserved it,
Now I realized that I really didn't know,
You didn't notice, you mean everything,
Quickly I'll learn how to love again,
All I know is, I'ma be okay.
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
How can I turn on the t.v,
without something there to remind me,
Is it all that easy,
To just put aside all your feelings?
If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let, hurt my feelings,
But thats the path I believe in,
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice, you mean everything,
Quickly I'll learn to love again,
All I know is I'ma be okay.
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
Since there's no more you and me,
It's time I let you go so I can be free,
And live my life how it should be,
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you,
yes I will,
Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yea,
It'll all get better in time,
Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve too,
It'll all get better in time.
Broken
It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
That may be true, but losing is the most devastating thing of all.
I have just lost my best friend, my love, my world.
I sit here with my stomach in knots, and my head spinning with thoughts.
What happened?
I am at a loss for words.
My heart sinks deeper and deeper every second, and my pain never subsides.
Yes this is still very fresh to me, But I can honestly say I will never get over this completely.
.
My best friend, the one who knows my deepest thoughts, everything I do, my plans for my future, and most of all just the person I am. Gone.
My love, my first true true love. They(I don't know who they are)say you never find a better love than your first. I believe it. My first was everything to me.
I couldn't have made any more sacrifices than I did, I couldn't have tried any harder than I did.
I love you so much, and it kills me that you're not here beside me.
I will always love you! From the bottom of my broken heart, I will ALWAYS love you!
I pray to god that you find what you're looking for, and you find inner peace with yourself.
I'll love you forever and always babe. Take care!x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Today is the day I am officially letting you go.
I have done all that I can, and have cried all my tears.
You are now just another aquantaince, as I don't truly know you anymore.
I am glad that over the past 5 years we have been so close, you have brought me much joy and happiness, yet caused me so much pain and anguish.
No, I haven't returned your calls, and I'm sorry you feel that is low of me.
An explanation is all I've been creating in my head for so long now.
And if an explanation is what you need then here it is:
I love you dearly, which is why I cannot sit here and watch you destroy yourself day after day.
I have cried too many tears for you as well as with you. It makes me sad to say I have to let you go, but if only you heard any of my words over the past 4 years. I promised you I would be there to the best of my ability, and I believe I stuck to my word. I am sorry you are such a fallen angel, but I cannot help you anymore. Saturday was the last night I could cry with you, I told you how I felt, how you will die if you don't stop. You've always known how much I hated you putting yourself through all of this time and time again. You have promised to stop, and you did, because I made you. But you couldn't stop forever. I have forgiven you over and over, but I've hit a dead end. You lie to me everyday, you have stolen from me, you have stolen from my family, and you insist on hurting everyone around you. You spat cruel words to everyone around you, which makes me cringe with disgust. I couldn't help you if I wanted to anymore. You may think I owe you more, but I owe you nothing, you owe yourself the world, a clean world. I hope one day you achieve whatever it is you choose to strive for, and that you begin to appreciate everything you take for granted right now. Don't waste your beautiful soul, life is a gift. I wish you all the best in the future, I will always love you, and cherish our memories. Goodbye Ange!x0x0
Friday, May 2, 2008
I was running wild when my boyfriend came home yesterday to tell me what had just happened to him and his friend.
Steve and Mike were skateboarding at Winakwa community center, a place I hung out at from the time I was 12-17, and never felt threatened in the least.
Keep in mind at this point these are two 22 year old guys who just started skateboarding the past month as something to pass the time.
So they're minding their own business doing some tricks when a car of four boys pulls up and parks. Still minding their own business they Steve and Mike keep doing their tricks.
One of the boys gets out of the car, (Steve says he looks 15 or 16), and says "Olly that curb, or we'll beat you both down! We have guns."
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!
Steve said he didn't know what to say. So he laughed, and the kid says "do you even know who I am?"
Steve says no, I'm not in high school anymore so I really wouldn't know who you are and I really don't care.
The kids get super pissed off and get right in his face and tell him they'll bash his face in with his skateboard if he doesn't pull off the trick.
Steve tries the trick to amuse them. He misses it. Three of the guys start circling him, while Mike and Steve just stand there staring at them.
After standing 3 cm's from Steve's face, cursing and threatening them the 4th guy tells them they have to go, they get in their car and take off without doing anything to either Steve or Mike.
Okay..............so can you imagine my reaction to this ridiculous situation!
Sixteen and with a gun. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!
I know this is a crazy world, and maybe I want to give most people the benefit of the doubt, but to pull an ultimatum to pull of a trick or I'm gonna beat you up and possibly shoot you is just CRAZY beyond all craziest!
Steve and Mike are lucky I wasn't there. I have enough trouble holding my tongue as it is nevermind being in this stupid situation. I would have been running my mouth like I had verbal diarrhea. We probably would have gotten shot.
The confrontation is not what is scary, its the fact they claim they have a gun. What if they did have a gun? What if they were some crazy motherfuckers that were out to kill someone? What if, what if, what if.................
To all you little pricks out there thinking your so cool with your g'd out clothing and weapon accessories,.............FUCK YOU!!!!
I wish I had something better to say to you, but I don't have a gun or knife to defend myself, and I don't flaunt who I am, or bear tattoos on my forearms, so I don't think I'd stand a chance.
I do however have faith in the fact that one of these days on your crazy little journeys, flashing your little guns, someone bigger and even crazier than you will hold a gun to your little 16 year old head and scare you so bad you piss your pants!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Release the Beast....
I have now had two days to let my nerves settle down, and for my heart to jump back out of my stomach into its right place. It has been a long last 6 weeks but the hardest part is over for now, although there is still more to come. This is how the final day of this fiasco went.....
8:00am-mom picks me up to go to the lawyers office for a meeting before our court time(10:00), our meeting is at 9. We get there early and wait for dad to get there. We both feel really sick, then dad shows up and we go up to the office. We tell the receptionist we are there and she says to have a seat. At 9:15 we get agitated. Court is soon and we have lots to discuss and our lawyer is nowhere to be found. At 9:20 the lawyer calls the office and asks to speak to dad. The lawyer then walks through the door. He tells us the crown has finally consented and hour before court so we are almost in the clear. We discuss a few other things then walk to the court room.
10:00-mom goes through the side door, dad and I go through the metal detectors while dad mutters under his breathe "this is ridiculous, we shouldn't be here." We go into the court room and sit and wait, at this point really wanting to throw up. Our lawyer and the crown have a brief meeting in the hall. Our lawyer tells us what she wants as conditions and we agree with the exception of a few that are just too ridiculous to accept. We still wait. Then we see Joel, the guard brings him in through a little door in the corner where they bring the inmates through tunnels underground. He enters the court room. You can hear the shackles around his feet, the chains clink with each step, but they have taken the cuffs off his wrists because they were too tight. His wrists are all red, his hair is messy and long, his face is sad and broken, his spirit is just down. I tear up. I gesture to him to put on a smile. He just turns away. It is hard for him to see us sitting there. They bring in the judge, we all rise, we all sit. They say they are consenting to let him go on major conditions. They tell Joel the conditions, then add that my parents must pay X sum of money to get him out. We gasp, Joel's face goes even whiter and his eyes bug out of his head. But we obey. Court is over at 11:15, Joel is granted bail. But there is paperwork to be filed before that can happen.
11:30-4:00-mom and dad sign some papers saying they understand the conditions and the amount they have to pay. The lady tells us to sit and wait til they call our name. Dad runs to the bank to get a cheque. We sit and wait. At 1:55 they call our name, Its about time! Mom and dad sign more papers. We already missed the 2:15 release time so we are disappointed. They sign, the lady says to take a seat it will be a while again. We go home. Five minutes of being home we get a call saying there are more papers to sign so we have to go back now. We get there at 3:30. Mom and Dad sign, the lady says they will go over it all with Joel and then he will be free. I make a joke to mom and dad and they get mad. We argue infront of the courthouse, and I cry a little. Emotions are running high and everyone is on edge. We sit in the remand center and wait for the 4:00 release time. They let the 4:00 people go, none of them are Joel. We are disappointed, this means we have to wait until 5:30. We have been waiting all day.
5:00-we come back to the remand center and sit in the waiting area until 5:30. At 5:45 they release some inmates. None are Joel. We are devastated, as the sign on the wall says the last release time is 5:30. Apparently that is a lie. So we sit and wait, the next release time is at 7. We are all anxious, desperate to see him. Papers are signed, money has been paid and bail set, but still no sign of him. 6:30 comes and my phone rings. It's Joel. He tells me they won't tell him when he's being released and that they only brought him back to his cell at 5:30. They made him sit in a small concrete room all day by himself. He asks me to ask the lady at the front desk what other times they release at, she says anywhere up until 11. We are now royally ticked. Joel says he'll to be patient he'll see us soon. He is more calm than we are. At 6:45 a female guard comes out and asks what we are waiting for. The desk lady tells her who, the guard doesn't hear properly, the desk lady points to the screen. The guard makes a face as if to say " Holy shit he is getting out, he is a monster" I am appalled. Mom and I both saw it and the guard mellows the face when she notices I am staring at her. I feel like saying "yes bitch, we are his family and he is getting out, so shove something in your mouth to stop yourself from making that face because we don't want to see it! Release the Beast!" Mom gets too impatient and goes to a store nearby. 7:00 comes along and still no sign of him. 7:15 comes around and the lady at the front desk tells us they lock the doors at 7:30 so we will have to wait outside at that time. Dad is really mad now this is how the conversation went....."dad" ~ front desk lady~
"what do you mean we have to wait outside? We have been waiting all day and I'm not leaving without my son. Can you tell me when he will be released? Am I supposed to wait outside until 11 for him to come out? You guys took his shoes and you say you'll give him a bus ticket. Is he supposed to walk the streets with no shoes? This system is crazy!"
~There is nothing I can do sir, we are just crossing the t's and dotting the i's. He will be released when he is released, as far as I know we haven't receieved his paperwork so he may not be released until Monday.~
"Thats a lie! The majestrate we dealt with brought the papers over the second we signed them. I paid X amount of money, now give me my son."
~Well sir, like I said there is nothing I can do, your son may not be released......"
mid sentence Joel walks out. You lying bitch! My dad and I are arguing with the front desk lady and Joel has a look on his face like "wtf". He hugs us. We are happy. We leave. He is now a free man...well sort of. He is under house arrest. That is better than jail though.
8:00-we arrive home. We all sit as a family and talk. Laugh, tear, but not full on cry. We couldn't be happier that we have him home. He is safe under our roof. We can sleep at night. A long day filled with high stress and lots of different emotions. It is over now. Now we wait until they have a real case and we have to go back to court. This is just bail, we still have a long road ahead of us. But for now we are content. More content than we have been over the past month and a bit.
It has now been two days since the release and my mind is at ease. Joel is at home where he should be, and my family can breathe easy.
8:00am-mom picks me up to go to the lawyers office for a meeting before our court time(10:00), our meeting is at 9. We get there early and wait for dad to get there. We both feel really sick, then dad shows up and we go up to the office. We tell the receptionist we are there and she says to have a seat. At 9:15 we get agitated. Court is soon and we have lots to discuss and our lawyer is nowhere to be found. At 9:20 the lawyer calls the office and asks to speak to dad. The lawyer then walks through the door. He tells us the crown has finally consented and hour before court so we are almost in the clear. We discuss a few other things then walk to the court room.
10:00-mom goes through the side door, dad and I go through the metal detectors while dad mutters under his breathe "this is ridiculous, we shouldn't be here." We go into the court room and sit and wait, at this point really wanting to throw up. Our lawyer and the crown have a brief meeting in the hall. Our lawyer tells us what she wants as conditions and we agree with the exception of a few that are just too ridiculous to accept. We still wait. Then we see Joel, the guard brings him in through a little door in the corner where they bring the inmates through tunnels underground. He enters the court room. You can hear the shackles around his feet, the chains clink with each step, but they have taken the cuffs off his wrists because they were too tight. His wrists are all red, his hair is messy and long, his face is sad and broken, his spirit is just down. I tear up. I gesture to him to put on a smile. He just turns away. It is hard for him to see us sitting there. They bring in the judge, we all rise, we all sit. They say they are consenting to let him go on major conditions. They tell Joel the conditions, then add that my parents must pay X sum of money to get him out. We gasp, Joel's face goes even whiter and his eyes bug out of his head. But we obey. Court is over at 11:15, Joel is granted bail. But there is paperwork to be filed before that can happen.
11:30-4:00-mom and dad sign some papers saying they understand the conditions and the amount they have to pay. The lady tells us to sit and wait til they call our name. Dad runs to the bank to get a cheque. We sit and wait. At 1:55 they call our name, Its about time! Mom and dad sign more papers. We already missed the 2:15 release time so we are disappointed. They sign, the lady says to take a seat it will be a while again. We go home. Five minutes of being home we get a call saying there are more papers to sign so we have to go back now. We get there at 3:30. Mom and Dad sign, the lady says they will go over it all with Joel and then he will be free. I make a joke to mom and dad and they get mad. We argue infront of the courthouse, and I cry a little. Emotions are running high and everyone is on edge. We sit in the remand center and wait for the 4:00 release time. They let the 4:00 people go, none of them are Joel. We are disappointed, this means we have to wait until 5:30. We have been waiting all day.
5:00-we come back to the remand center and sit in the waiting area until 5:30. At 5:45 they release some inmates. None are Joel. We are devastated, as the sign on the wall says the last release time is 5:30. Apparently that is a lie. So we sit and wait, the next release time is at 7. We are all anxious, desperate to see him. Papers are signed, money has been paid and bail set, but still no sign of him. 6:30 comes and my phone rings. It's Joel. He tells me they won't tell him when he's being released and that they only brought him back to his cell at 5:30. They made him sit in a small concrete room all day by himself. He asks me to ask the lady at the front desk what other times they release at, she says anywhere up until 11. We are now royally ticked. Joel says he'll to be patient he'll see us soon. He is more calm than we are. At 6:45 a female guard comes out and asks what we are waiting for. The desk lady tells her who, the guard doesn't hear properly, the desk lady points to the screen. The guard makes a face as if to say " Holy shit he is getting out, he is a monster" I am appalled. Mom and I both saw it and the guard mellows the face when she notices I am staring at her. I feel like saying "yes bitch, we are his family and he is getting out, so shove something in your mouth to stop yourself from making that face because we don't want to see it! Release the Beast!" Mom gets too impatient and goes to a store nearby. 7:00 comes along and still no sign of him. 7:15 comes around and the lady at the front desk tells us they lock the doors at 7:30 so we will have to wait outside at that time. Dad is really mad now this is how the conversation went....."dad" ~ front desk lady~
"what do you mean we have to wait outside? We have been waiting all day and I'm not leaving without my son. Can you tell me when he will be released? Am I supposed to wait outside until 11 for him to come out? You guys took his shoes and you say you'll give him a bus ticket. Is he supposed to walk the streets with no shoes? This system is crazy!"
~There is nothing I can do sir, we are just crossing the t's and dotting the i's. He will be released when he is released, as far as I know we haven't receieved his paperwork so he may not be released until Monday.~
"Thats a lie! The majestrate we dealt with brought the papers over the second we signed them. I paid X amount of money, now give me my son."
~Well sir, like I said there is nothing I can do, your son may not be released......"
mid sentence Joel walks out. You lying bitch! My dad and I are arguing with the front desk lady and Joel has a look on his face like "wtf". He hugs us. We are happy. We leave. He is now a free man...well sort of. He is under house arrest. That is better than jail though.
8:00-we arrive home. We all sit as a family and talk. Laugh, tear, but not full on cry. We couldn't be happier that we have him home. He is safe under our roof. We can sleep at night. A long day filled with high stress and lots of different emotions. It is over now. Now we wait until they have a real case and we have to go back to court. This is just bail, we still have a long road ahead of us. But for now we are content. More content than we have been over the past month and a bit.
It has now been two days since the release and my mind is at ease. Joel is at home where he should be, and my family can breathe easy.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Judgement Day
Tomorrow is the day. The day I have been hoping for, for 36 days now.
Judgement Day.
We sit and wait until tomorrow, feeling sick to our stomachs, counting down the minutes until we leave.
We will arrive and go through the doors with the grouchy guards, walk through metal dectectors, and then get searched, muttering under our breathe how ridiculous this is to just be here at all.
We will wait until they let us in the room, where many other people either there to support or to not are waiting as well in hopes they will leave satisfied too.
We will all sit in a small court room, and feel uncomfortably sick to our stomachs until the end...and maybe even after.
We will fight the urge to run and touch you, because it is the first time not seeing you through plexi glass.
We will bite our tongues when the crown tries to make a point that tries to make you look like a bad person. Because you are not.
We will listen to the words being said by every party, but most will seem faded out because we just can't focus on what is going on.
We will anticipate the final outcome.
And finally after the last words are said, we will either leave with you or leave without you.
We are hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. It is what it is.
This is your judgement day, and we will be there every step of the way.
Judgement Day.
We sit and wait until tomorrow, feeling sick to our stomachs, counting down the minutes until we leave.
We will arrive and go through the doors with the grouchy guards, walk through metal dectectors, and then get searched, muttering under our breathe how ridiculous this is to just be here at all.
We will wait until they let us in the room, where many other people either there to support or to not are waiting as well in hopes they will leave satisfied too.
We will all sit in a small court room, and feel uncomfortably sick to our stomachs until the end...and maybe even after.
We will fight the urge to run and touch you, because it is the first time not seeing you through plexi glass.
We will bite our tongues when the crown tries to make a point that tries to make you look like a bad person. Because you are not.
We will listen to the words being said by every party, but most will seem faded out because we just can't focus on what is going on.
We will anticipate the final outcome.
And finally after the last words are said, we will either leave with you or leave without you.
We are hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. It is what it is.
This is your judgement day, and we will be there every step of the way.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A quarter of a century and in a hole...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY big brother!
I have yet to talk to you today, and I may not even get the chance. Either way I'm ok with it, because everytime I talk to you I get all choked up and never get the words I want to come out of my mouth. If only you knew the way I felt, you would have some insight as to how much you mean to me.
We have been thrown into an incredible unfortunate circumstance, but not one that we cannot handle. We are strong, YOU are strong. I sometimes sit here and cry thinking about what you are doing at that exact moment...what are you doing at this exact moment on your 25th birthday? I am in awe of how everytime I talk to you or see you, you have such high spirits. You are an amazing person. You have made your fair share of mistakes, but you have tried so hard to fix them in every way you could. I know that you see how much love and support you have gotten from us..your family. You know it would never be any other way.
So, your a quarter century old today and in a shit hole. When you get out of there you will be so much stronger, so much wiser, and filled with so much more appreciation for life. Every aspect of your life has been put to the test, and you are going to rise above it all and show the world you are a great person that has been horribly misjudged.
I can't wait for that day, and it is coming soon!
I can't wait to meet the even more incredible person you will have become.
I love you, Happy Birthday!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Take this and shove it......
****This is just a warning that this blog is extremely harsh with many horrible things said! Read at own risk****
As much as I wait for the phone call that says everything will be ok, I wait for the phone call that says they caught your lying, piece of shit ass!
I fucking HATE you!
I hate you for being so nice to my family over the years that we have become close with you and trusted you! I hate you for brining stupid people like this around! I hate you for being part of this scharade and endorsing these substances to other people! I hate you for making a surprise visit which was really a fucking threat to us! I hate you for being there that night, and doing whatever it is you did that other people are paying for! I hate that you are on the run! I hate that you could be dead, because then you will never pay! I hate that you will probably never read this, or truly know how I feel towards you! I hate that you are such a fucking coward you have to run and hide for the rest of your life! I hate the fact you have the power to change everything but you won't! I flat out hate everything about you!
If there is a god out there, you better know that he knows exactly what you have done and the pain you have caused! You will pay for this on his terms, and that is better than any! I hope you are suffering right now with the guilt of everything you have done and everyone you have hurt!
So take this (*middle finger*) and shove it where the sun don't shine you little prick!
Enjoy your guilt ridden life,
because now,I am so over you that I can finally sleep.
**I am really not this harsh of a person, but under certain circumstances I had to let this one out, and I feel so much better now**
As much as I wait for the phone call that says everything will be ok, I wait for the phone call that says they caught your lying, piece of shit ass!
I fucking HATE you!
I hate you for being so nice to my family over the years that we have become close with you and trusted you! I hate you for brining stupid people like this around! I hate you for being part of this scharade and endorsing these substances to other people! I hate you for making a surprise visit which was really a fucking threat to us! I hate you for being there that night, and doing whatever it is you did that other people are paying for! I hate that you are on the run! I hate that you could be dead, because then you will never pay! I hate that you will probably never read this, or truly know how I feel towards you! I hate that you are such a fucking coward you have to run and hide for the rest of your life! I hate the fact you have the power to change everything but you won't! I flat out hate everything about you!
If there is a god out there, you better know that he knows exactly what you have done and the pain you have caused! You will pay for this on his terms, and that is better than any! I hope you are suffering right now with the guilt of everything you have done and everyone you have hurt!
So take this (*middle finger*) and shove it where the sun don't shine you little prick!
Enjoy your guilt ridden life,
because now,I am so over you that I can finally sleep.
**I am really not this harsh of a person, but under certain circumstances I had to let this one out, and I feel so much better now**
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